Welcome to Mesopotamia

Two posts in one!

Tue, 13 Apr 2004 17:47:34 GMT

omg! i just talked to brent and he was like hey u wanna go out some time and i was liek YES! i soooooo am loving brent. hes just so handsome and cool and funny and hes like the perfect guy for me. jessica is so jealous of me though (what a stupid bitch) but whatever. all right im gonna go call brent now, hugs!

<3 kelly

No Pleadin' the Fifth Here

Sun, 07 Dec 2003 02:49:38 GMT

I think that I'd make the greatest traffic cop ever. None of those usual tricks.

Very Beautiful Woman: "Oh officer, I'm so sorry, can I ever make it up? *wink wink*
Me: "Sorry ma'am, I've been castrated."
VBM: "...dammit."

Person: "I just got my license yesterday! I'm so sorry, it's just I haven't had enough experience and it'll never happen again and-"
Me: "Maybe you should've spent more time in <dramatic>traffic school.</dramatic>
Person: "...dammit."

Mom/Dad/Sibling/Friend/Relative: "Look, sorry I did that illegal left turn. But come on. We're (like) family!."
Me: "Screw you."
M/D/S/F/R: "...dammit."

Oh yeah. Watch out streets, I'm-a-comin'.

¡IMPORTANT!

Sun, 07 Dec 2003 00:24:44 GMT

PUBLIC NOTICE

THIS SATURDAY DECEMBER SIXTH

A PUBLIC HANGING

SEE THE HANGNAIL'S NOOSE "MR. TWEEZERS" LYNCH THE DIRTY HANGNAIL

ALL ARE INVITED

AT THE FIRST STORY BATHROOM, 7 O'CLOCK

Oedipus Rex

Sat, 06 Dec 2003 03:35:09 GMT

Oedipus: Thebes is messed up. Perhaps Teiresias can tell me why!

Teiresias: You killed your father and had sex with your mom.

Oedipus: STFU!!!!!11

(Oedipus proceeds to find out he killed his father and had sex with his mom)

Oedipus: DAMN IT!

(Oedipus stabs his eyes out)

Fin

Have a **** day.

Sat, 18 Oct 2003 23:02:55 GMT

Hello. Often times I ramble on and on about random crap that no one gives a rat's buttocks about. But today, I'm going to continue that tradition. Have you seen the movie theatres here? To quote Keanu Reeves, "Whoa." That's only a small portion of my hatred. I swear, you sit down, and even the friggin' seats are sticky. I think I'll set fire to it. See ya.

Depression 101

Sun, 07 Sep 2003 00:18:51 GMT

Where are the saviours, the champions
That, in our time of need, will rise to power
And guide us towards a new light,
One of hope and prosperity?

They have disappeared, my friend
Gone to save themselves, not us
To leave us to perish and succumb
As we ask why until our death.

Discussion Questions:
1) What does this poem say about our miserable life?
2) Does this help describe why life is miserable? Explain.

Project:
Write your own depressing poem about how life sucks. Share with your friends, as if you had any.

Extra Credit:
Kill yourself.

Public Apology

Sun, 31 Aug 2003 01:26:03 GMT

Many of you have been writing angry, nay, extremely angry letters in my general direction. Here's a sample.

Dear you:

Idiot.

(name withheld)

Many other letters request I buy objects that will increase my genitals or will get me a free credit card. They aren't really angry, but still. From the above letter, I can only assume they were talking about that entry on July 17th that had 08.15.03 at the end. However! August 15th, 2003 has passed, sure, but not March 15th, 2008. In conclusion, I'm sorry you're all so stupid. Good day.

Recursive Haiku

Wed, 13 Aug 2003 01:09:31 GMT

Shifting the weight from foot to another

Sat, 19 Jul 2003 22:59:19 GMT

I really don't like idiots. At all. There's so many of them, though! I swear, someday they're going to take over. They're dumbing down things as it is, with companies spitting out half-assed, low quality products (look at music, movies, TV) and people are buying/watching it! The people who are intelligent hate this, but the only way to stop it is to stop people from buying it. Show them how incredibly idiotic these wastes of money are. However, it may be too late...

(ominous music)

Sat, 19 Jul 2003 02:53:43 GMT

I was driving down the freeway in the fast lane with a rabid wolverine in my underwear when suddenly a guy behind me in the back seat popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes I guessed I said "Uncle Frank or Cousin Louie is it Bob or Joe or Walter could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve" I probably would've kept on guessing but about that time we crashed into the truck and as I'm laying bleeding there on the asphalt finally I recognise the face of my Hibachi dealer who takes off his prosthetic lips and tells me
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so important doesn't matter
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
I was walking to the kitchen for some Golden Grahams when I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension and soon I was abducted by some aliens from space who kinda looked like Jamie Farr they sucked out my internal organs and they took some Polaroids and said I was a darn good sport and as a way of saying thank you they offered to transport me back to any point in history that I would care to go and so I had them send me back to last Thursday night so I could pay the phone bill on time just then the floating disembodied head of Colonel Sanders starting yelling
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so important doesn't matter
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
I just was about to mail a letter to my evil twin when I got a nasty papercut and well to make a long story short it got infected and I died so now I'm up in Heaven with St. Peter by the Pearly Gates and it's obvious he doesn't like the Nehru jacket that I'm wearing he tells me that they've got a dress code well he lets me into Heaven anyway but I get the room next to the noisy ice machine for all eternity and every day he runs by screaming
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white up is down and short is long
And everything you used to think was so important doesn't really matter anymore because the simple fact remains that
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is (Everything you know is)
Everything you know is wrong!

The Life of Brian(na)

Thu, 17 Jul 2003 18:36:07 GMT

I walk.
"Your money!"
No.
"BANG!"
You say bang, not do bang.
"Schwa?"
I eat your gun.
"How?"
Now I have two.
"Aie!"
Bang. Bang.
"Deaaaddddblech"
I win.

Ecky ecky ecky ecky pikang zoom boing mumble mumble

Thu, 17 Jul 2003 18:05:27 GMT

No one knows your name
People think you're insane
But I know all about you

Your name cannot hide
I know your parents died
I know everything you do

So why resist
When I persist

Your son, your wife
I know your life

To
be
or not
to be
that
is
the quest
ion...

08.15.03

QUIZ

Tue, 15 Jul 2003 23:29:29 GMT

You are... The Sofa!

Which 2 guys character are you?

Tue, 15 Jul 2003 21:18:18 GMT

NOTE: The following entry was first posted several seconds ago, and then I realized I should LJ-cut it. So I did.

Blah. This is like a big white canvas. Big and stuff. Let's see how much I can fill up. I often wonder about the state of this world, with its complex stuff and other things. I also wonder, how can I make a small business succeed in this economy? Well, the first step is create an excellent name. For instance, Baseline Emulation. That just screams AWESOME. I mean, you don't even need a successful business with something like that. You just need... the name. However, if you actually want an actual plan of business... ness, you must follow these tried and true steps: Hmm... actually, I can't remember those steps right now. We'll go back to them. Maybe. Once I do some stuff, like try to find out where exactly I put the butter. Yeah. So then there was the time I jumped off a building. At the time it seemed fun! Enjoyable! and such. But, it hurt. Like, a lot. I don't really know WHY I did that. It was stupid, in retrospect. The word onion is silly! Onion onion onion onion onion onion onion onion onion onion onion onion onion onion onion onion onion onion onion onion onion. Ha ha! That's funny! Okay, I don't really know why I did that. I did it, though. Oh! I almost forgot about the dog incident. ...... Idiot, there was no dog incident. But, I do remember those steps!

Create a name.

If name is awesome, go to 7.

Figure out the product you will sell.

Borrow money from relative/bank. (relative recommended)

Build a store.

Use any leftover money to make advertisements.

?????

Profit!!

So there you have it. Now, once you are bringing in the dough, you must annex other countries. Suggested countries: (be quick, before others take 'em!) Andorra, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Latvia, Estonia, Monaco, any country in the Pacific, and, of course, France. After doing this, you should be popular. Now, being popular is something that's hard. During my high school years (which are still going on, blah) my social level was about average. This was a major improvement over Pond Scum on Bottom of Shoe. However, keeping at this level was very hard, and it still is. I must constantly fling money in the general direction of popular people, and hinder myself from doing stupid things, e.g. running around without a shirt, screaming "LORD ALMIGHTY!" A way to keep your social status, or even raise it (*cough*yeahright*cough*) is to: join clubs! I joined music club! I played the Glockenspiel, until the teacher said I sounded so horrible that either I should quit or she would shoot me. So, I changed to the triangle. Unfortunately, this served only to make me quite unhappy. And also unpopular. So, in my room in the basement, I toiled with the triangle for many hours until... I made the single greatest triangle composition ever. "Debatable Quandaries in the Key of G#", I called it. It was a masterpiece. The work in making the triangle sound the note G# was probably the hardest part. I added some beats, reverse triangle sounds, and record scratches. In the end, everyone hated it. This just goes to show you most people are idiots. Going back to the business model, if you haven't already make over 3.5 billion dollars, you never will. Sorry. To conclude, cogito ergo sum.

Wacky movie ratings

Mon, 14 Jul 2003 18:36:53 GMT

I don't get PG & PG-13. PG-13 means parental guidance for those under 13; PG should mean parental guidance for all. Which means PG-13 should be a better rating than PG.

BETTER ORDER: G PG-13 PG R

Of course, we already knew the MPAA is WEIRD.

Sun, 13 Jul 2003 02:51:06 GMT

Four out of every five people agree: "Ich bin ein Auto!"
In related news, Volkswagen cars all over the world imploded.

Sun, 13 Jul 2003 02:22:41 GMT

This is my new journal. Is it not nifty? It had better be nifty. Because nifty is a cool word. Nifty > you. HA HA HA!

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